'Having a baby doesn’t erase the pain of infertility or undo the grief of failed IVF' (2023)

Cradling her daughter Meghna, Seetal Savla still experiences moments where she shakes her head in disbelief and struggles to comprehend the beautiful baby in her arms is actually real and belongs to her and husband Neil.

After six years of battling infertility and going through the heartache of miscarriages, failed IVF and trying to get pregnant through the use of donor eggs, the 40-year-old tells i she and her husband were on the road to accepting a baby wasn’t going to happen for them and were planning to live their lives with a different kind of joy.

Even when the couple discovered Seetal was suddenly pregnant naturally, they were understandably cautious and Seetal admits they thought: “Let’s see how long this one lasts,” and tried to persuade themselves not to get too attached. They kept the pregnancy to themselves for the first few months as they didn’t want to raise the expectations of family and friends.

Now their dream baby is finally here, they are overcome with joy and gratitude – but are mindful that not everyone gets a “happy ending” with a baby and are keen not to come across as “smug” or insensitive to those going through fertility journeys who haven’t managed to become parents.

Seetal, who has shared her fertility issues over the years in a blog to raise awareness of infertility and tackle the stigma of conversations around miscarriage, IVF and donor conception – particularly within South Asian communities, where many are reluctant to talk about fertility issues – tells i that once someone finally has a baby after years of struggle, it’s easy for some people to gloss over everything that has gone before and brush it under the carpet.

But she says despite their elation at becoming parents, she will never forget everything they went through or the heartaches as it all had a huge impact on their lives and shaped the people they are today.

She also believes that in some South Asian families, people are made to feel they have to keep quiet about infertility struggles as they don’t want others to use it as ammunition against them or bring their family into disrepute or ruin the marriage prospects of siblings.

“Even though the community has moved forward and progressed in many ways, things like this still exist,” she says. “Some people are made to feel very ashamed and wrongly like a failure, or as if they are defective.”

She believes the more people, from all cultures and backgrounds, talk about infertility the better.

“Hearing Meghna cry for the first time, Neil and I looked at each other and burst into tears,” she says, recalling the emotional moment of their daughter’s arrival. “We were overjoyed, relieved and grateful to finally have our beautiful, happy and healthy baby in our arms, crying at the top of her lungs. For us, that was the sweetest sound in the world.

“After five failed IVF cycles and two miscarriages in six years, it feels incredibly surreal to become parents to a living baby at last – and through a surprise natural pregnancy as well.

“We still sometimes struggle to believe that she’s ours. The fear of losing her still remains, although it no longer dominates us as it once did.

“We are utterly besotted with her and are enjoying our new life as a threesome which feels like magical madness.”

Seetal, who grew up in Leicester and lived in London for 14 years, before moving to Berlin with her husband of 14 years Neil in late 2020, says the road to parenthood certainly wasn’t an easy ride and was littered with hope, anguish and grief.

The couple’s journey began on Christmas Day 2015 when Seetal discovered she was pregnant, even though they weren’t actually trying for a baby. “Up until that point, I hadn’t been sure whether I really wanted kids. It was always something in the distance and it was particularly drummed into South Asian girls – you’ll grow up, get married and then you’ll have kids.

“It was something I assumed would happen in the future. But after we got married, I began feeling different because of the pressure in the first couple of years from family members, friends and the community. Everyone around us was becoming pregnant and I was getting comments like: ‘It will be your turn next.’

“I always thought I’d be really scared when I found out I was pregnant and fear the loss of independence and my identity. But none of that came to fruition – instead, from the moment I found out I was pregnant, I was just elated and looking forward to our lives changing.”

Sadly, the couple’s excitement turned to grief when Seetal had an early miscarriage around five weeks into the pregnancy. “It was incredibly tough because I’d been given a glimpse into something that I thought I didn’t want, then I realised I did want it. And then, just as I was getting my head around that, it was taken away from me – all in the space of a few weeks.

“It was horrendous and there was real emotional pain. But as devastating as it was, on the flip side, it made me realise I did really want to have children so we went to our GP to find out if there was a problem.”

Seetal, who worked in translation before working in social media and is now a copywriter, was diagnosed with low ovarian reserve and after numerous tests and a year of waiting, they underwent IVF on the NHS. It was unsuccessful and as Seetal hadn’t produced many eggs and they didn’t have enough embryos to freeze, they didn’t qualify for a second round of funding.

The couple had two further rounds of IVF at a private clinic which was unsuccessful. After their third failed IVF, their consultant suggested using donor eggs.

It was then Seetal realised there was a real lack of egg donors from ethnic minority backgrounds, with some women facing the choice of losing their links to their heritage or their chance of parenthood.

While Seetal appreciates the ethnicity of egg donors is important for some people – Neil’s background is also Indian – she knew their ethnicity would be preserved to a certain extent.

“I wasn’t really thinking about ethnicity,” she admits. “I just thought if I don’t have to keep going through this and failing, I’m fine with using donor eggs if it means a higher chance of success.

“I knew donor conception would still allow me to carry the baby and feel connected to it. Ultimately, our goal was to have a baby and a family and our focus was on the bigger picture.

“If you think about adoption and your nephews and nieces and your friends’ kids, you’re not genetically linked to them, but you still have so much love for them.

“But the ethnicity of a donor is an issue for some people and can depend on things like whether they want to share it with their family that they have used a donor.”

Seetal and Neil had one more IVF cycle using Seetal’s own eggs at their London IVF clinic and when that didn’t work, they used a British Spanish egg donor for their first donor egg IVF cycle. However, this was cancelled after she produced unviable eggs.

They were then matched with a British Ecuadorian donor because their clinic had access to a large number of Spanish and Portuguese donors. This time, the donor egg IVF cycle went ahead and Seetal became pregnant. However, she suffered a traumatic miscarriage at nine weeks.

One of the main reasons Seetal and Neil used an egg donor from the UK was because they wanted a non-anonymous donor and for any potential child to be able to receive identifying information about their biological mother at the age of 18 should they wish to. “We felt it was important to offer this choice to them, but understand why other people prefer to use anonymous donors.”

Seetal tells i she feels the lack of egg and sperm donors from South Asian backgrounds is largely due to a lack of awareness and thinks the more people from all cultures and backgrounds talk about infertility, the better.

“When we were going down the egg donor route, we wanted to have an open identity donor, but I’ve spoken to other people who have told me they don’t want their families to know they’ve used a donor for whatever reason.

“I am very fortunate that both on my side and my husband’s side, we had nothing but support. Even when there wasn’t necessarily understanding, there has always been support.”

Seetal says that despite her own experience being very different, she knows people from South Asian backgrounds are less likely to tell family members if they use donor eggs or sperm for conception.

“It’s difficult enough going through infertility without the added cultural layer and the stigma of worrying about what others will say,” she admits. “To me, it’s frustrating and difficult to understand because that hasn’t been my lived experience.

“I’d actually been aware of egg donation since my teens as one of my relatives pursued this path to conceive her child, so I didn’t consider it as something shocking, as it was part of my family.

“When we mentioned it to Neil’s family, it was all new to them, but we sat around the kitchen table and talked about it and said: ‘this is the route we are going down.’ They said: ‘Great, good luck to you, if we can do anything to help, let us know’ – which is exactly what you want to hear.

“However, I have Indian friends who have been trying for a baby for many years and have also explored donor conception, but haven’t told their parents at all. I really feel for them as it’s a lonely experience as it is, even when you have support.

“Even with all the incredible people I have around me, I still felt very lonely sometimes. To not be able to confide in your parents, especially if you’re close to them, makes the experience so much harder.”

“It’s great that there are more South Asian advocates talking about infertility and miscarriages, including Bollywood actors with big profiles. We definitely need more people to share their stories. But I completely understand it is private and not everyone wants to tell the world what they’ve been through.”

Seetal herself is a fertility advocate and she has spoken candidly about her experiences on blogs and podcasts throughout their journey and believes it is important for people to talk about it while they are struggling, rather than only after they get a positive outcome.

She also feels there is a lot of emphasis on girls being taught about avoiding pregnancy and not enough education about what happens if you want to get pregnant later in life but it’s not happening, as well as things that could affect fertility such as endometriosis, polycystic ovary syndrome and fibroids.

While struggling with infertility, Seetal found it difficult to deal with unsolicited advice from people, however well meaning. She even compiled a list of things not to say to someone struggling with infertility – such as “So whose fault is it?” or “Just relax and it will happen.”

“All you need is for people to sit and listen – not offer any advice or quick fix solutions because we can’t be fixed,” she says.

Seetal admits that after their IVF using donor eggs was unsuccessful, the couple felt utterly depleted. “We were exhausted and starting to accept: ‘We tried, but it didn’t work’ and were genuinely exploring that life still goes on and we have to try to find a way to find joy elsewhere,” she says.

“We were on the road to accepting this and veering towards the ‘childless not by choice community.’

“For Neil and I, going through everything we have with infertility has actually brought us closer together, but I’m very aware that it does rip couples apart,” says Seetal. “It’s easy to understand why, especially if you can’t communicate your feelings or are on different pages.

“It can really ruin a relationship and just take away the love you had. Fortunately, for us it’s had the opposite effect.”

Out of the blue, just as the couple had begun accepting a baby wouldn’t happen for them, Seetal was stunned to find she had become pregnant naturally. But with all the anguish they had encountered, they didn’t dare get their hopes up.

However, baby Meghna Valentine Savla arrived safely in late June and is now three months old.

Seetal tells i that while most people will see the safe arrival of their daughter as a “happy ending”, she struggles with that concept and prefers to think of it as the “start of a new chapter in our story.”

“When we were struggling, it used to wind me up when people would say: ‘It will happen’, even though I knew they meant well,” she recalls. “I also struggle with calling it a ‘happy ending’ as where does that leave those people who have tried for a baby for years and gone through many IVF cycles and had to call it a day? Or those who have run out of time, money and energy?”

Seetal says while some people say not to dwell on the past, she doesn’t want to gloss over their experiences or diminish what others are going through now.

“There’s a layer of trauma and grief from miscarriages and going through failed IVF cycles which will stay with me for ever,” she says. “You learn to live with it and it doesn’t bubble up as much, but there are always triggers.

“People in the South Indian community are particularly good at saying: ‘Don’t think about those things’ or: ‘Don’t keep dragging yourself back there,” she says. “But I don’t see it that way. We went through something huge which changed who I am and had a massive impact on my life and that grief will sit inside me.

“Referring to it as ‘the end’ now we are proud parents is reductive and glosses over the painful losses and heartache we suffered before having Meghna.

“It’s important to acknowledge these tough emotions and experiences because they have shaped who we are today and the way we parent our daughter.”

Seetal adds: “Not everyone gets a ‘happy ending’ in the form of a baby. Exclusively using this label to refer to the ‘success stories’ does a great disservice to those who wanted to build their family, were unable to achieve this goal for whatever reason and have worked hard to find joy and purpose outside of parenthood.

“Does calling someone like me a success imply that they are failures? They certainly are not in my view.

“Nor are they weak – it takes immense strength to let go of a lifelong dream.”